A Simple Technique for Better Communication

The key to almost any type of relationship is communication. Romantic relationships, friendships, or even business partnerships are constantly tested through miscommunication. Conflict arises, in part, because emotions go unrecognized and invalidated. Instead of focusing on your needs or your partner’s needs, blame begins to run rampant, often leading to emotional flooding, contempt, criticism, or defensiveness.

Your go-to tool for expressing needs and avoiding blame-focused conversation is The Gottman Rapport Exercise. Developed by Drs. Julie and John Gottman, this simple technique begins using “I” “me” and “my” statements. This is also known as the speaker-listener exercise or first-person language.

I feel sad when our date nights are forgotten. 

I get frustrated when the deadlines aren’t met. 

I feel left out when I’m not included in plans.

The number one rule is don’t use “you” in any part of the sentence! It’s tough, and it’s supposed to be. It forces us to slow down your thoughts and emotions to really be intentional about what you say and mean. Saying something like “I hate when you forget our date nights” or even “I feel sad when you forget our date nights” still comes across as blame. Using only first person language helps the speaker invite the listener into their emotional world.

The purpose of practicing speaking to one another is to focus on active listening, so it’s best to follow a set of rules when entering need-based conversations.

If you are the speaker sharing your needs, do not blame or criticize. Only talk about your own feelings and state what you’re longing for, or what Gottman refers to as, “positive needs.”

If you are the listener you must clear your thought agenda. Instead of listening to points to then rebuttal them, focus solely on hearing and remembering your partner’s point of view. It helps to even take notes of feeling words your partner brings up so you can repeat them back. Tell the speaker what you’re hearing from them once they are finished talking. Finally, validate their feelings. For example, “it makes sense you would feel sad when our date nights are forgotten because you’re feeling lonely in our relationship.” Be with your partner in that moment and empathize with their needs.

After one of you is the speaker and the other is the listener, switch roles. You will most likely need to stop and restart statements, so take your time and practice “I” statements. By shifting a blame conversation to an “I need” conversation, you can open up more space to have empathetic dialogue with one another.

(This article was contributed by Palo Alto University Master’s Graduate in Mental Health Counseling, Emily Win)