Your Therapeutic Guide to Surviving the Holidays 

This time of year inevitably brings pleasant and not-so-pleasant emotions to the table, sometimes making it more difficult to rely on the coping skills you usually have in your back pocket. Holidays can be a time of celebration for some, but it can also be a time of immense grief, loneliness, isolation, or ridicule for others. Whether you’re visiting family, working, staying home, or not celebrating at all, returning to basic emotion regulation skills will be your best friend this season.

Identify a safe space 

For many folks, going to visit family or returning home isn’t necessarily a safe space to be their authentic selves. No matter where you are for the holidays, find a place that feels good for you. This could look like simply going on a walk, going to the room you’re staying in, or even “going to the bathroom” in the middle of a meal. Identify spaces you can have privacy and have these in your back pocket for when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Identify safe topics

Similar to identifying a safe space, you’ll want to identify safe topics to discuss ahead of time. We definitely can’t control what a family member might ask us or comment on, but we can have a list of easy topics to bring up or help us redirect the conversation. This might include recently released movies or music, the weather, traffic, food or drinks, a pet or animal in the house,sports, traveling, or generally “safe” hobbies like baking, gardening, cooking, crafting, or gaming.

Paired muscle relaxation 

This is a technique used by therapists and clients to help soothe the body of anxiety or stimulation. If you’re in a quiet, safe place with some time, following this script for the paired muscle relaxation skill is a good option. However, anxiety and stress usually doesn’t happen in the most convenient moments. Instead, you can adapt this model by clenching your hands or feet on the table. Notice the differences between a tense sensation and relaxed sensation even if it’s just in your fingers in your pockets.

Rely on your senses 

A helpful tool for overstimulation is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. In the heat of the moment, name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. If this is too much to remember, you can also look for colors of the rainbow in your surroundings using ROYGBIV.

Use temperature 

One emotional regulation skill often taught in therapy offices is tipping the temperature, which involves putting your face in ice water, or grabbing a bag of ice and placing it on your forehead or neck. This helps soothe your nervous system and redirect unhelpful thoughts back to the intensity of the temperature. If you don’t have ice on hand, you can even step outside or go to a colder room. Alternatively, if you’re feeling like you need to be held, nurtured, or supported, grab a warm blanket and cozy up on the couch to better support your body.

Practice saying no 

Saying “no,” especially to loved ones, can feel extremely difficult in the moment. Instead of hoping a conversation will go well, or that one specific thing isn’t brought up, try to verbally practice saying no ahead of time. This could literally look like saying no in the mirror, or it could look like practicing redirection. For example, if a relative comments on your weight, you could reject and redirect by saying, “I don’t want to talk about this here, but I’ve been really into this new movie that came out.”

Keep it simple, present, and attainable 

If you’re hosting everyone, or you just seem to be the chaos coordinator during the holidays, remind yourself to keep it simple. Set one intention or goal for the day and work on the steps to achieve just that goal. Try to stay present with your emotions, as well as the people supporting you. If needed, you can always use SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound)  goals to plan out your day.

Accepting acceptance and finding joy 

Accepting the things you can’t change are much easier said than done. However, one way you can integrate this into stressful moments is by repeating mantras such as “it’s okay to feel angry.” A good script to fall back on is “It’s okay to feel _____.” Repeat that as many times as you need until it feels true. Once you normalize your own emotions and experience, find little moments of joy through gratitude. Search for joy in enjoying a tasty cookie or smiling at a neighbor.

(This article was contributed by Palo Alto University Master’s Graduate in Mental Health Counseling, Emily Win)