Attachment-based needs and trauma begin to develop during the crucial years of childhood, which is why simply showing up is one of the most important things a parent can do. Unfortunately, many children remember their parents being absent–for work or otherwise–which can later manifest as insecurity in their future relationships. We often talk about neglect as dismissal as something physical; “my mom wasn’t around.” However, just as much damage can be done in a family with emotionally absent parents.
An emotionally absent father or mother might look like someone who is always at work and values intelligence over emotion in their children. Often these parents’ emotions weren’t valued when they were growing up and/or their main concern is their version of “success.” Dr. John Gottman refers to this dilemma as E.Q. vs. I.Q. Many parents want their children to be intellectually intelligent, and for good reason; they want their children to grow up, go to college, get a job, etc. What Gottman found is that emotional intelligence is actually just as important (if not more!) as I.Q. Children need to develop and train their social-emotional skills to grow up, go to college, get a job, and generally be successful. So how do we do that as parents?
The answer is what Gottman refers to as Emotion Coaching. Emotion Coaching is a method parents can use to build a child’s E.Q., even from the toddler stages. It aims to teach parents how to empathize, validate, and collaborate with their children to find solutions to misbehavior or family issues.
The first step is to simply be aware of your child’s emotions. Tune into their facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and gestures. Observe their emotions as well as your own and be aware of what messages your body is sending and receiving.
The second step is to recognize these emotions as opportunities or connection or teaching. The way we do this differs depending on how old the child is. For preschoolers, emotional regulation and connection develop through fantasy play. For middle-aged children, it’s important for them to feel heard and acknowledged when they discuss and share thoughts. For adolescents, parents should act as consultants to their teens, treating their identities and emotion/logic integration with respect.
The third step is to help your child name their emotions. We find that using a feelings wheel can be a really helpful tool for both parents and children!
The fourth step is to communicate empathy and understanding. Before giving advice or problem solving, put yourself in your child’s shoes. Try using statements like “tell me what happened,” “what was that like for you?” or “help me understand.”
The fifth step is to set limits and problem solve if necessary. Set limits gently, restating your knowledge of what happened and only using behavior-related punishment if necessary. Ask your child to list alternative solutions. Go over pros and cons together and help them make the choice that feels best for both of you.
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