10 Rules To A Happy Marriage

As some of the best marriage therapists in Orlando, we’ve used many different couples counseling techniques for many different couples and have noticed common issues that arise in long-term relationships. While every couple is certainly unique, we’ve noticed most relationship dynamics benefit from integrating therapeutic techniques into their daily lives. There is no definitive map that will “fix” a marriage, but we’ve discovered 10 tips that help couples get closer to their ideal happy marriage.

1. Get to know each other’s worlds a little bit better

You might be thinking “we’ve been married for 20 years, I already know so much about my partner!” The thing is, we’re always growing, learning, and adapting. Partners in a good marriage should be one another’s greatest teachers. Instead of defaulting to talking about the kids, school, work, or whether, try asking questions you might’ve asked on your first date. What parts of your day do you look forward to? What is something you’re really passionate about right now? Who in your life do you consider your support system? What TV or book character do you relate to the most and why? Don’t be afraid to get creative and playful!

1. Ask open-ended follow up questions

This rule certainly applies to the first rule, but should easily be used in every type of conversation. Open-ended questions are those in which you can’t give a yes/no answer. Typically these begin with who/what/where/when/why. When you ask close-ended questions, you’ll most likely get a short response and little room to further connect. For example, “did you enjoy dinner?” would most likely yield a “yes.” However, “what did you like about this meal and what didn’t you like about this meal?” gives your partner an invitation into a deeper conversation.

1. Set aside time for just the two of you

Date night’s are much easier said than done. Not everyone has time for dinner and a movie every Tuesday night. However, it’s crucial that you incorporate weekly, intentional time for another where you’re not discussing housekeeping (or related) conversations. This doesn’t have to be multiple hours or include going somewhere. You could devote an hour a week before bed to simply check-in.

1. Focus on connection over problem solving

Most couples get into patterns of arguing and immediately resort to problem solving. The issue with this method is that it skips over each person’s feelings, needs, and desires which are equally important in working through any major or minor issue. Use conflict as a moment to turn towards each other, instead of skipping to the end result.

1. Use mindfulness to understand your own needs

Marriage and long-term relationships can bring up attachment triggers, old wounds, or even general anxiety and stress. It’s easy to fall into harmful relationship patterns when either or both partners are in an emotionally dysregulated state. You can use simple breathing techniques, exercise, meditation apps, or therapeutic interventions to create a routine of mindfulness.

1. Express your needs

Once you’re regulated through mindfulness and grounding, you’ll be more capable of naming your needs. Now, in a calmer state, you can express these needs to your partner. Don’’t assume they know what you’re going through or want. Use communication tools to express your desire underneath the hurt, pain, or frustration.

1. Hold each other accountable if you need to take a step back

If you need to take a break from a heated or intense conversation, choose a place and time to meet after 30 minutes. Having these details set in stone allows both partners to feel a shared sense of power.

1. Take responsibility for your part

Begin curbing blaming behavior by listening to what your partner is expressing, understanding your role in the issue, and taking responsibility for your portion of it. Every partner has a role to play in relationship decisions and issues, so take time to understand the decisions and actions you’ve made.

1. Try the Gottman 6 second kiss

Drs. Julie and John Gottman found that incorporating a 6 second kiss every day boosts intimacy and connection in relationships. Six seconds is a long enough period to move from a quick ritualistic peck to a more mindful invitation to cultivate closeness.

1. Try couples counseling

There’s often a stigma around marriage counseling. Couples can feel like it’s a last resort to saving a marriage, or think that it’s a place for arguing and mediation. Couples counseling offers an excellent foundation for learning and incorporating tangible connection techniques to use throughout your relationship. It’s a space where partners can go to understand themselves and their relationship needs on a deeper level. Get connected with us today to see how we can support you through these different steps.

(This article was contributed by Palo Alto University Master’s Graduate in Mental Health Counseling, Emily Win)